I still miss you every day

Dear Grandma,

Grandma, THE DIVA and I circle 1984(?)
Grandma, THE DIVA and me circa 1985(?)
Today marks ten years on the Hebrew calendar since you died.  Even writing the words brings tears to my eyes.  So much has happened for all of us, our family, and we’ve all grown up in ways you couldn’t even begin to imagine.  I miss you every single day.  I have a picture of you, Papa, Mar-Mar and I from my high school graduation on my desk and I see it, sometimes just for a split second, and it makes me smile.  I miss you a lot.  I miss the touch of your skin, so soft and cool.  I miss your smile. I feel so grateful that I have so many wonderful memories that I can call upon when I do miss you.
I know that death is a part of life.  Believe me, I know that.  That doesn’t make it any easier that you live in my memories.  At the same time I feel so blessed.  You were a part of my life for 20+ years and taught me that no matter what choices I made, whatever I would end up doing for a career I was loved.  Purely.  Unconditionally.
Last night I lit a yahertzeit candle for you.  I know it isn’t traditional for a grandchild, but I’m not exactly the most tradition of grandchildren.  I know that my parents observe the English date of your death.  I don’t know about everyone else.  For me, Rosh Chodesh Kislev is always easier to remember.  And don’t worry, I choose to mark your birthday, December 18, in a very special way.  No matter what.  I have a scoop of Pralines and Cream ice cream from Baskin Robbins in your honor (and only because they don’t make Ralph’s kona coffee anymore).
Grandma, I’m not really sure what happens after a person dies.  I don’t particularly need to know either.  One thing that brings me comfort, though, is knowing that you and Papa are somehow together again.  That’s at least how it works in my mind.  I know that after you died Papa missed you every single day. The two of you are a matched set.  Grandma and Papa.  Grandma and Papa.  You just went so well together.
You would also be really happy to know that all of your children and grandchildren still get along.  Heck, we even like each other almost all the time.  We travel to be together for important occasions.  Thanks to technology that you could not even begin to imagine we even get to see pictures of one another and know about lots of interesting things.
I still treasure that it got to be me that made you a grandmother.
I love you forever,
EBS
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About rabbisteinman

I am a rabbi living in North America. I was ordained from HUC-JIR. This is my blog.
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5 Responses to I still miss you every day

  1. Auntie D. says:

    Beautiful. You said it all, and you said it perfectly. Thank you for the tears this morning. I mean that.

  2. Jessica Steinman says:

    And cue tears now….

  3. Rabbi Hillel Cohn says:

    Ellie – What a sweet and touching tribute to your Grandma. Madeline always struck me as someone whose feet were planted firmly on the ground. She was a very powerful woman, She was extremely proud of her family and for good reason and she would be enormously proud of all of you now. I feel blessed to have known her and for our families to have been connected.

  4. Tracy Torre says:

    I love this. Tomorrow, I will cherish my time with my grandmother in the ICU even more than I did today.

  5. Elizabeth Spitzer says:

    I was so touched by your your memories of your Grandma and Papa. And you verbalized your feelings beautifully. Thank you for sharing these important people with your readers.

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